Composed by Miriam Khayat
My soul disappeared today
As it escaped the dryness of its shell
Leaving me to crumble
As it ran in search of You
I called and begged
I searched the coldness of this floor
My heart barely beating
As I reached for its return
Until finding You,
Never once did it restore
Not through the showers of the day
Nor the brightness waking me in morning
Not the cool brisk of evening
And never by the melting of this dawn
I waited here like an orphan lost of parents
Bickering inside,
That maybe sleeping would be better
I climbed each mountain to its peak
No lost soul did I find
Only birds and beautiful creatures
All speaking and breathing Your name
Like a humming and a drumming
Inside this heart that palpitates
And initiates
That I am still alive
Like an unfinished poem,
Nearly complete
I worked my years
Hoping to earn my loss
Lifting and working
Working and shifting
The roughness of these hands
Defined my ever breathing
Still no sign of what I thought I longed
Only You waving back
I pounced into this ocean
Not to disrupt those who reside
I swam
Until the sweat inside me poured
I swam
Until I realized that there was no hand to hold
I cried as there was no soul to find
No truth in its being
No bliss in its ignorance
No blindness in its dreaming
Reality had crept
Trembling and inching down my spine
No serendipity would find me
No serenity would cradle me
No soul, I felt, could fill me
I once promised the emptiness inside
Too much pride to ask for Your guidance
Though You are the only
Holding a map to my treasure
I questioned that pride
And where that "X" marked the treasured spot
Although I knew not,
I myself was "X"
Unsure of how to reach myself
An emotion filled me
An anger erupted through the boiling of these veins
Difficult
Yet nice,
To confirm that I was alive inside
Still feeling
Still real
I pushed this pride away
I drained these palms from years of tears
I closed my eyes
Bent my head
Humbled myself
Promised all of me to You
And rejoiced in asking Your guidance
My last resort,
One that should have been my very first
I will beg and implore
I will stand and endure
I will not challenge You
I will embrace "You"
How does one find something lost?
When lost becomes found
And found was never missing
In seeing You
I acknowledge Your existence
In calling to You now
I confirm my need for You
"X" does mark this spot
Where a soul inside me emerges
A soul filled by Your mercy
And in finding You
I seem to have found myself
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